Scientists reveal the secret to a happy marriage: Don’t forgive and forget, get angry instead.
Most of us believed that if we had an argument its always better to be calm and try to talk it out and never ever go to bed angry.
We envied the couples that never fight or at least not show that they are fighting. For us a good marriage without a fight is usually a one great one.
It is often said that it is better to forgive and forget.
But psychologists say actually getting angry can be the best way to solve relationship problems.
James McNulty, associate professor at the University of Tennessee, found that forgiving may actually build up resentment.
He said the ‘short-term discomfort of an angry but honest conversation’ can benefit the health of a relationship in the long term.
‘I continued to find evidence that thoughts and behaviors presumed to be associated with better wellbeing lead to worse wellbeing among some people – usually the people who need the most help achieving wellbeing.’
McNulty therefore set out to examine the potential costs of positive psychology. In a set of recent studies, he found that forgiveness in marriage can have some unintended negative effects.
‘We all experience a time in a relationship in which a partner transgresses against us in some way,’ he said.
‘For example, a partner may be financially irresponsible, unfaithful, or unsupportive.
‘When these events occur, we must decide whether we should be angry and hold onto that anger, or forgive.’
His research found a variety of factors can complicate the effectiveness of forgiveness, including a partner’s level of agreeableness and the severity and frequency of the transgression.
‘Believing a partner is forgiving leads agreeable people to be less likely to offend that partner and disagreeable people to be more likely to offend that partner,’ he said.
Additionally, he claims, anger can serve an important role in signaling to a transgressing partner that the offensive behavior is not acceptable.
‘If the partner can do something to resolve a problem that is likely to otherwise continue and negatively affect the relationship, people may experience long-term benefits by temporarily withholding forgiveness and expressing anger.’
Also according to another recent study from Harvard University, being able to accurately read a partner’s emotions–and believing that your partner is trying to understand your emotions–is related to couple relationship satisfaction.
Developing Empathy
If your relationship is distressed or if you simply want to make a good relationship better, here are some ways to work on your empathy skills.
Listen for emotional messages
The emotional message isn’t the same as the words that your partner is saying. Your partner may be criticizing you for not spending enough time together, but the emotional message may actually be, “I miss you and I’m afraid I’m not important to you.”
Push the pause button on your own emotions
When your partner is expressing something critical, it’s easy to respond defensively. Before reacting, take a deep breath and try to slow down your own emotional response so you can hear the emotion behind the criticism.
Reflect back your partner’s emotional plea
Instead of coming back defensively with, “What are you talking about? We just went on a walk yesterday, and we went to dinner last weekend!” respond to your partner’s emotional plea by saying something like, “You really miss me and want to spend more time together. Thanks for letting me know. I love you.”
