A new book codifies the agony of romantic love Dear Ralph, Your four love letters arrived today.
My landlady said a heavily sweating man stuffed them in the mailbox and
lurched off like a wounded kiwi, so I assume you delivered them
yourself. A million thanks, really. All the letters make fine reading, but I was particularly struck by your
complaint of a persistent heavy feeling in the
chest that can only be relieved by sighing. Ralph, this is a clue. You
are not just in love, you are limerent. This is a brand-new word made
up by a University of Bridgeport psychologist, Dorothy Tennov, in her
new book on romance, Love and Limerence. If you haven't guessed it
already, limerence is the ultimate, near obsessional form of romantic
love. Now pay attention to this, Ralph.
Here are the telltale signs of limerence: pressure in the chest
, an acute longing for reciprocation, fear of
rejection, drastic mood swings, the growth of passion through
adversity, and intrusive thinking about the LO, or “limerent object.” Tennov says the average limerent love affair lasts about two years. In
the first wave of passion, the limerent thinks of the LO about 30% of
the time, but in the second wave, which hits some months later, it can
rise to 100%. The poor limerent is so hooked that nothing matters
except the beloved, and feelings swoop between ecstasy and pain. This
can be a drawback. You spend much of your time writing letters or
diaries; you can't get your work done; all your friends decide you are
a bore . Limerence can strike at almost any
age, and men seem to be just as susceptible as women. There's also an
edge of violence in limerence. On the basis of an informal survey,
Tennov estimates that 11% of limerents have attempted suicide when a
love affair has gone badly. Feminists, if they come down with it, have it worse than anyone else.
This is because limerence depends on game playing, coyness, trial
balloons and all sorts of other manipulations that the women's movement
can't abide. And besides that, Tennov says, limerence tends to re-create
the old me-Tarzan-you-Jane sex roles —once the game gets started,
a perfectly sensible woman becomes dithery and feebleminded and every
spidery little fellow starts pounding around like Mean Joe Greene. And
heaven help the woman who takes her limerence problem to a shrink!
Tennov thinks that limerence is as likely to break out in psychotherapy
as almost anywhere else. This may be why
you hear about so many shrinks limerencing their patients. On the other
hand, you have to admit that Tennov doesn't much like shrinks. She's
the author of Psychotherapy: The Hazardous Cure.
