Did you get invited to the royal wedding?
No, they don’t invite the bride’s ex-boyfriends. But since my taxes paid for it, I might build a tent, bring a six-pack, some frozen sausages and throw a barbecue outside Buckingham Palace. Maybe I’ll rent a Nazi uniform and pretend to be Prince Harry.
Are people excited about the royal wedding?
To be honest, you Americans are more royal obsessed than we Brits. We’re just happy we get the day off. What’s your excuse?
Where’s the ceremony?
They’ll be tying the knot at Westminster Abbey. It’s a beautiful venue that looks like a castle out of a Disney movie. Tinkerbell might even fly across, but that’ll cost extra.
Why won’t Prince William wear a wedding ring?
No one is going to mistake him for being single. He’s getting married in front of two billion people. I think it’s covered. And besides, I hear he has fat fingers.
What do you think Prince Harry will say in his best man’s speech?
Prince Harry will be on a tighter leash than Ricky Gervais at the next Golden Globes. If he goes off-script, the Queen will probably press a special button to a trapdoor and he’ll be seized by hundreds of corgis.
Is it true Kate and Wills will be moving in with Harry after the wedding?
The recession is hitting everyone. Even the Queen is renting out a room in Buckingham Palace to a man named Barry. Maybe they’ve got one of those nice pullout couches from Ikea. We’ve all had to make cutbacks — the royals are no exception.
What do princes do at bachelor parties?
The one thing you wouldn’t do on that night is go to a gentlemen’s club. The last thing the princes would want is to slip a stripper a 5 note with a picture of their grandmother on it.
A Chinese fortuneteller predicted that Kate and William will split up by winter 2015. Do you agree?
It’s a shame they don’t make more of a fuss over the royal divorce. If we get another national holiday, I’m sure we Brits will be fine with that. I can see it now: An official portrait torn in two. Those commemorative plates smashed into pieces.
Some people are making a lot of Kate being a ‘commoner.’ It sounds almost medieval… Basically, a ‘commoner’ is anyone except for the royal family. It’s not like she won’t know which knife to use at dinner. She’s pretty posh, but the press talk about Kate like she’s someone on The Jerry Springer Show and the Queen is hiding her jewels when she comes for tea. I think Kate is going to fit right in.
Would you recommend that Kate sign a prenup?
Kate, no. Definitely don’t. Wills, yes. That might be a good idea. I suppose by the time he’s king, they can just split everything down the middle. She can take everything north of Liverpool and they’d argue over who gets custody of Wales.
They probably don’t need a set of china…What do you give the couple who has everything?
Privacy.
Have you ever been to Kate Middleton’s hometown, Bucklebury?
Bucklebury almost sounds made up or like a character out of a Harry Potter novel.
Have you placed any bets on the big day?
You can bet on the color of the Queen’s hat. Surely if you were the Queen you’d be tempted to send a butler down to the bookies and say, place them all on red. That solves the problem of who pays for the wedding.
See TIME’s Royal Wedding coverage.
Jason Manford is at the London 02 Arena on Nov 29 2011.
