As the show with the kinkiest leeches on television continues, Nelson Mail reporters and bloggers Sarah Dunn and Adam Roberts continue their discussions about the land of Westeros.
Dear Adam,
I know I already mentioned it last time, but I’m really happy to see the Hound and Arya palling around again. They’re as sulky and bloodthirsty as each other, and it’s heartwarming stuff. He’s like a grumpy old dad on a long car journey: “Quit trying to bash my skull in and we might just make it in time for the wedding.”
You know what else made me happy Unlike his corresponding character in the book, Daario Naharis the romantic sellsword does not have a blue, three-pronged beard. Even without this, the only sort of people I know that grow long unbrushed locks and collect erotica-themed novelty weapons are the nerdiest of nerds, and that is how I’m going to think of Daario from now on.
I still don’t see what Dany sees in him, but at least without the facial topiary, it’ll no longer be obvious that she’s completely lost her senses. I wonder when he’ll bring out his replica katanas and anime figurines
Closer to the other end of the gross-and-sleazy spectrum, Tyrion and Sansa are breaking my heart. Neither of them wanted to get married but both did so anyway with complete dignity when it called for it. These guys just get the arse-end of every deal – honestly, Joffrey giving Sansa away was just the worst, even without his little practical joke.
Like most authentic family weddings, things deteriorated after a few drinks, and by the afterparty everybody was drunk and ornery. Cercei continued to power-sulk, Loras pouted, Joffrey unsuccessfully tried to play another unfunny joke, Tyrion gurgled some nasty speech about hookers at Tywin, and in the first shot where Sansa looked at her new husband, I genuinely thought she was suppressing a spontaneous vomit. The unhappy couple made the best of an awkward pause by leaving early and looked suitably embarassed the next morning.
Regarding other age-inappropriate parings, I think I liked the kid from Skins’ last star turn with an older woman better. Melisandre may not be a high-school psychology teacher but she is such a relentless sexual predator, does she ever stop Stannis Baratheon and the bewildered Onion Knight showed a lot of restraint when they walked in to find Melisandre dotting leeches all over Gendry’s naked body. I can only imagine what Stannis was thinking when he picked up those leeches and put them on the fire: “The usurper Robb Stark. The usurper Balon Greyjoy. The usurper Joffrey Baratheon… [and now I’m going to wash my hands].”
Ad Feedback
Finally, one last happy moment: an Other showed up! A real one! And Samwell Tarly completely dominated it with his obsidian dagger. Judging by this, and Daario’s present of two severed heads to Dany, I think it’s Team Neckbeard for the win.
– Sarah
Dear Sarah,
This episode seemed to involve a lot of following through on stuff we had already been told would happen. If I’d been in charge of the show, I would’ve put the wedding scenes last week, (skipping last week’s pointless preparation scenes), and then skipped last week’s pointless scene with Gendry on the boat with the fire witch. She could’ve told him about his ancestry this week. Obviously, I know heaps about how television is made. It was a good episode though, a lot more focused on the more interesting plotlines.
But anyway, there were a few significant developments, most notably Daenerys aqui-hiring those mercenaries. How about how pointlessly gross that initial boss was If ever there was a character that screamed, “don’t bother learning my name, I’m so awful I won’t last the episode”, it was this guy.
In a show where innocent boys get tied up and leeched, and not so innocent boys (Theon) get their junk removed, his stupid gross sexism seems childish by comparison. Also, I completely disagree: the elven-looking dude who pledged his allegiance (I refuse to learn yet another name until they’re in at least two episodes) may lack Khal Drogo’s epic chin, but he’s definitely Dany’s type.
Over in Stannis Heights, or wherever, the kid from Skins (good to see you’ve picked up that nomenclature) is filling in for Theon this week by having a pretty bad time. I have a soft spot for that kid, because I have oddly fond – and most likely inaccurate – memories of Skins, and his character in particular. But I really, really, really don’t like Melisandre. I especially hate her voice – her and Littlefinger should get together. Speaking of – are we ever going to see Littlefinger again I miss that guy.
Anyway, Gendry doesn’t mind fire witches, as he takes very little convincing to jump into her creepy bed in the creepiest room, and pretty quickly she’s taking the leeches to him. I’m holding out a small hope that the leeches are as bad as it will get for him, but given this is Game of Thrones, he’ll probably be missing a few limbs the next time we see him.
But it was nice to be reunited with ol’ Davos the Onion Knight, who is making great strides with his reading, which I guess means he won’t die anytime soon. Was nice to see Stannis coming down for a yarn, wanting to bounce the whole “let’s kill the kid” idea off his old mate. “We do not choose our destiny, but we must do our duty… What’s one bastard boy against a kingdom” Yeah, whatever, Stannis, you old nutcase.
Anyway, he saw a vision of a battle in the snow, and Davos saw the shadow monster – how can you doubt the fire god Well, yeah, I guess so. As Lost has proven, it’s very difficult to give a satisfying explanation for a smoke monster without invoking a higher power and annoying everyone. But just wait until he hears about that one-eyed warrior guy getting resurrected six times.
Despite thinking we could’ve had them last week, I really enjoyed the King’s Landing wedding scenes. Gave everyone a good chance to do some Acting. The scenes with the Tyrells and the Lannisters interacting were excellent – particularly the conversation between Cersei and Margaery about the House Reyne of Castamere – who knew the year’s hottest pop song could serve as such a pointed metaphor Good to see Tyrion being a real solid dude by telling Sansa he’ll never hurt her. Of course, he has very little control over his own life, so I guess he’ll do his best on that one.
No one will blame Tyrion for handling such an awful night by getting blitzed. But Tywin and Joffrey both do their best to make his life significantly worse. But Dinklage really Acted the hell out of everyone, threatening Joffrey in one minute and then somehow pretending he was just drunkenly joking the next. Good Dinklage! He takes Sansa to their chambers, drinks some more, then it’s looking like he’s going to take up his father on that promise to sire an heir, but then he doesn’t! Dinklage!
I’ve got to say, I was half expecting Tyrion to reveal he had been acting drunk during the wedding, and had a plan to fix everything all along. Up until this season he’s been in situations in which he can use his smarts to make moves to improve his status, so it’s frustrating to watch him flounder under the thumb of his dad (to mix metaphors). Hopefully he’ll find some game in the next episode.
The final scene with Sam and his lady in the cabin from Evil Dead was all rather boring until, in true horror movie fashion, Sam decided to Have a Look Outside. Never Look Outside, people. Finally, a Walker! I’d expected the episode to end on a cliffhanger, with him facing down the Walker, but instead the frozen corpse used his freeze powers on Sam’s sword, and Hodor used his dagger powers on the Walker’s back.
Turns out White Walkers are super easy to kill, but a bit dramatic about how they die. I’m not hugely impressed. They’re hardly a huge existential threat. Wait! I just looked it up on Wikipedia, and it seems that that Sam used a special ‘dragonglass’ dagger, so maybe I shouldn’t doubt the power of the Walkers just yet. One thing I will say is that the Walker was blimmin’ loud. I was watching with headphones on, and audibly yelped when he shattered.
No Game of Thrones next week, I’m told, so this might be a good time to take a breath. What does everyone think of the season so far What do we think the last few episodes will bring
– Adam
–
