“You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!” If those comments are familiair to you, Ali Yashar – blogger & Author of currentconscience.com- says, “You must be a woman.”
Yashar then goes on to add that when women get these comments from their: Husband, son, father or other male relative it’s probably not an example of inconsiderate behavior. However, he says “When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling — that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation, pure and simple.”
He believes that this type of emotional manipulation is epidemic and that is used to define women as as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive and easily unhinged. There is a term for this type of manipulation, psychological jargon used by therapists and other professions that defines this type manipulation of women. The word is: gaslighting.
Yashar shares the origins of the word “The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.”
Today this is used when referring to a perpetrator who uses phrases such as “You’re so stupid” or “no one will ever want to” to gain control in a relationship. However, not all forms of gaslighting are premeditated, such as the above statements. Some are reactional, such as “You’re overreacting” or “why do you have to be so emotional, just get over yourself.”
“My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know from these comments that Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”
Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.”
Are men preconditioned to behave this way. Are we raised to believe that women are more emotional than men, and therefore any reaction is an overreaction? And what should women do when confronted with this particular type of emotional abuse? Yashar believs that to many women just give in and say “it’s okay” without getting the desired reaction from their male counterparts. It’s easier to “let it go” than stand their ground when they are constantly being bombarded with this type of behavior. Women then begin to believe that; perhaps, they are overreacting and possibly a little “crazy.” “I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy.”
Yashar also feels guilty, saying he has been known to be one who was guilty of gaslighting himself “I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends–surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.
While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.
When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.”
His message to women and men alike? It’s time to begin unlearning. Women, realize your emotion and responses are valid and don’t allow anyone to make light of them.
“But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?”
Further studies regarding emotional and physical gaslighting, below….
Look for Yashar Ali’s new ebook which will be titled A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts
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Go here for further reading on this subject and other by Ali Yashar
